Just came back from Retreat briefing. It ended super early. Nothing much. All's the same. Just that we ended super early.
Some things just make me wonder if we do things for the sake of doing it, out of routine or really out of wanting to do it. There will always come a point where you just stop and think about the things you do and all. I don't know. I can't seem to put my thoughts into words. Like there's just too much on my mind.
I really don't want to grow up. I was telling Jeanie just now. Like the older we get, the more responsibilities we have. But besides that, there are things that we do over and over again every year or even like all the time that it all seem to have become our mundane lifestyle. Nothing much. And then you just get jaded of it and probably life as well.
I feel like an empty vessel right now. Nothing seems to be moving in my life. Everything seems stagnant.
You know, I'm really excited about retreat. But I really don't know what will happen at the Retreat. I am expecting something great to happen. I want to go there expecting something great but I have this fear in me that nothing much will happen and I will just be filled with disappointment. I really don't want that to happen.
And this afternoon as I was chatting with Jeanie. I actually realised how disconnected I am from church people. Like I don't really hang out with the people I used to hang out with anymore. Not even my beloved Jeanie Beanie. And neither do I really talk to them anymore. The relationships I have with them are estranged. I really don't know whether it's just me or our busy schedules or we just don't and didn't make the effort to do something about it.
Hmm.. I wonder if I've changed. Changed for the worse that is, instead of the better. Sometimes I really think I'm in the world of my own. Literally. I can have someone talking to me, and yes I listen to them, but yet at the same time I'm thinking about stuff. I don't really know what I think of or about actually.
Things seem really weird. Strangely peculiar yet familiar. It's really quite uncanny. There are loads of things happening right now and they just seem so screwed up. I wonder why at times we magnify our problems till it's so huge that we can't handle.
Why must we have such malicious mouths that say things to hurt people? Why if there's a misunderstanding, people would rather hide behind the curtains than to talk things out so everything can just be fine and go back to how they used to be? Why am I such a jerk at times? Why do I have so many whys that never seem to end?
Look.. My mind is such a whirlpool right now. My thoughts are scattered. I bet you don't even understand what I have just said 'cause everything's like so random. You don't need to understand. It's alright. I know I won't get all the answers to my questions anyway.
Everything's gonna be alright, I guess.
mooo-ed
10:45 PM
Knowing Me
name is vanessa
birthday falls on the 4th of dec
email/msn addy is
vananny@hotmail.com
loves
the theatre & netball & chocolates
wants to be
what God wants me to be
